Dreams and Doubts
by Nicoley117-TheBlueMartini
Summary: Post-ACOWAR. Nesta and Cassian haven't spoken in the weeks following the war. But when Nesta has a nightmare of Cassian's death, she needs to see him.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the _A Court of Thorns and Roses_ series.

 **A/N:** So I'm just kinda obsessed with thinking about what Nesta and Cassian's first interaction will be following the events of ACOWAR. I already posted a fic about their first conversation since the war, and now here I am with another one! I simply had another idea, haha. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _"CASSIAN!" she shouted._

 _"CASSIAN!" she yelled again, even louder than the first time._

 _She could feel within her that connection to the Cauldron. It felt as if its power flooded through her veins, granting her the ability to know what it was being willed to do. Its power was so strong, she could hardly stand and had no choice but to lay writhing on the ground. She could feel the Cauldron was currently driven with the need to annihilate. Specifically in the area where she could sense Cassian was._

 _As her eyes scanned the sky for him, she attempted to stand up. But the Cauldron's power took hold of her, causing her to fall down and heave once more._

 _She forced herself to look up again. When she searched through the Illyrian ranks, she finally was able to spot his familiar form. "CASSIAN!" she desperately screamed as loud as she possibly could._

 _But he showed no signs of hearing her as a shot of death-white light blasted straight for him and his legion, obliterating them all._

 _"NO!" Nesta screamed. "CASSIAN!"_

"Nesta, wake up!" she heard a voice exclaim as a hand fell against her upper arm and shook her.

Nesta's eyes shot open. She was breathing heavily, trying to catch her breath. When she reached her hands up to her face, she could feel her cheeks were wet with tears.

"Nesta, you were screaming. Are you alright?"

Nesta looked up to see her sister Feyre hovering over her, concern in her eyes.

"Take me to see Cassian," Nesta ordered. "NOW."

"Nesta, it's late at night. It was just a dream -" Feyre began to say.

"I don't care!" Nesta stated as she hurriedly stood up from the bed. She went over to her armoire and pulled out her short satin purple robe to wrap around herself, choosing to remain in her silk nightgown instead of putting on regular clothes.

Slamming the armoire door closed, she turned to look at Feyre. "Take me to him. _NOW._ "

Feyre let out a deep sigh before grabbing hold of Nesta's wrist and leading her downstairs to winnow her to Cassian's.

* * *

The two appeared in the living room of Cassian's apartment. Nesta hurriedly stumbled away from Feyre as soon as they arrived. She wasn't able to see much of the apartment, but thanks to the pale moon and star light that shone through the glass-paneled doors that led out to a small balcony, she managed to see enough to find her way past the kitchen to the single bedroom.

Which contained an _empty_ bed.

"Cassian?" Nesta called out.

Slowly turning around in a circle, her eyes searched the entire room for any sign of him...but there was nothing.

Feyre appeared in the doorway to his bedroom. "I just spoke to Rhys through the bond. He said Cassian was busy today, but wasn't sure when he would be back. Whatever Cassian is doing, Rhys refused to disturb him to find out when he would be back."

"I thought he was recovering from his injuries and hardly left his apartment...and that's why he's hardly been at the townhouse," Nesta remarked with a bit of edge to her voice.

"I know his wings are still healing," Feyre replied. "Wherever he is, he definitely didn't fly there. Maybe he just needed to...get out for a bit. Get some air."

Nesta turned her gaze toward the ground.

"Do you want to go back home?" Feyre asked her after a pause.

"Not until I see Cassian," Nesta replied sternly.

"Well - " Feyre began to speak, but Nesta was quick to cut her off.

"You can go," she said. "I'll wait here."

"Are you sure?" Feyre hesitantly asked. It didn't feel right to leave her sister alone, but if she didn't follow her sister's instructions, she ran the risk of incurring her wrath.

Nesta gave her a quick nod and a look that indicated she didn't want to discuss it anymore as she sat down on Cassian's bed.

* * *

When Cassian arrived back at his apartment that night, he expected to find a welcoming, empty bed to crash into after a long and exhausting day.

What he didn't expect to find was a woman sleeping in his bed.

And he certainly didn't expect that woman to be Nesta Archeron.

When he first stepped in his bedroom, he figured he must have been dreaming. He paused in the doorway and stared at her sleeping form. She appeared to be wearing a robe over her nightgown and was hugging one of his pillows to her side, burying her face in it. Her hair was in complete disarray and untamed, so unlike the neat hairstyles he'd always seen on her. But with every breath she took, her body seemed to tremble, perhaps in fear.

He couldn't help but wonder if she experienced the same nightmares he'd been having lately, where they're with Hybern once more, reliving the fight. Did she repeatedly witness his broken promises to her with his failure to protect her?

After slowly approaching the bed, he gently laid down, careful not to wake her. Her back was towards him, and he longed to pull her up against him in hopes of ridding her of her current distress.

He hadn't touched her since that battle with Hybern. Hadn't even seen her since the night they arrived back in Velaris after the war, which had been over three weeks ago. He didn't even dare to go to Rhys and Feyre's townhouse again. To go there, knowing Nesta would be in that house, drowning in her pain, was too much for him to bear. Because it would be a reminder of how much he had failed her.

But she was here now...with him.

She came to him.

He didn't know why she was here, but to have her so close and within reach…

He reached out his hand and began to casually trace circles on her back. At his touch, she didn't awake, but her trembling stopped.

The contact made Cassian want to bring her even closer to him. He pressed the front of his chest up against her back and wrapped his arm around her waist, tugging her closer to himself. He was grateful she didn't awake. Instead, she released her firm grip on the pillow and began to breathe more steadily.

Cassian rested his head in her hair, smelling its lavender scent, as he slowly fell asleep.

It was the most peaceful sleep he'd had in weeks.

* * *

As daylight streamed through the window, Nesta began to squint her eyes, reluctant to open them. She felt like she actually slept well for the first time in a long while and didn't want to wake up and face reality. But then she felt that something was tightly wrapped around her waist.

And that _someone_ was breathing against her face.

Her eyes shot open and first went to the windows beside the bed. Windows that were not familiar to her because…

 _Because I'm in Cassian's room_ , she suddenly remembered.

She turned in the bed abruptly to find Cassian to be the source of the breathing and the arm around her waist. Relieved at the sight, Nesta couldn't help but lay there and stare at him.

 _He's alive._

Feeling her moving in his arms, Cassian opened his eyes and let out a slow breath.

"Good morning, sweetheart," he greeted her sleepily with a smirk.

"You're alive," she whispered as she reached out a hand to place against his cheek.

He stared intently in her eyes as he pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen in her face.

"You're real," he whispered back.

Nesta's eyebrow rose in confusion at his statement.

"I almost thought this was all just a dream," he added. "Finding you in my bed last night was...unexpected."

"Where were you?" she asked in a low voice.

"There was something I needed to take care of yesterday," he answered hesitantly. "But if I had known a beautiful woman was waiting for me in _my bed_ , I would have been here in an instant," he said with a wink as he readjusted his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him.

Nesta rolled her eyes as she pulled her hand away from his face, but did not shake off his embrace.

"Nesta, why are you here?" Cassian asked her softly. "Not that I'm complaining," he was quick to add.

She shut her eyes and laid her forehead against his chest, breathing in his scent, as the memories of her dream from the night before flooded back to her. "I...I had a nightmare last night of the war. When that Cauldron's power blast shot at the legion. But this time, you didn't hear my screams, and you...you died," Nesta shuddered as she spoke the words. "And I just...needed to see you. Alive. And then you weren't here…"

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you." he replied softly as he ran his fingers through her hair. "Just add it to the list of the ways I've failed you," he muttered to himself.

Nesta gazed back up at him with an emotion in her eyes that he couldn't quite place. "You're here now," she whispered, placing her hand against his cheek again to reassure herself once more that he wasn't part of her imagination.

After a moment of silence, Nesta spoke again. "How...how have you been feeling?"

" _The_ queenly Nesta Archeron actually deigns to worry herself over a poor bastard like me?" he teased her, with amusement glimmering in his eyes. Nesta scowled at him and lightly whacked his chest.

"My wings have have been slowly healing," he finally answered. "Not well enough to fly yet though," he added bitterly.

"But are _you_ alright?" Nesta asked, not wanting to know solely of his physical well-being... But was he emotionally suffering as much as she was?

"After the war, it's been...hard to sort through all that's happened," he replied, not wanting to get into everything he'd been feeling over the past few weeks. "But I'm feeling much better now that you're here, Nes," he added with a devilish grin as he squeezed her a bit more tightly.

Nesta couldn't help but roll her eyes. But to Cassian's surprise, she returned his embrace and attempted to bury herself further in his chest.

Cassian leaned forward and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

The two laid there for a few minutes, listening to the sound of their breathing and simply enjoying the presence of each other.

"Cassian, I -" Nesta began to say, but the sound of Cassian's bedroom door creaking open and a loud female voice interrupted her.

"Cassian, are you ready to -," Mor asked when she appeared in the doorway, but didn't finish her sentence upon seeing Nesta lying beside him. "Oh."

At the sight of Mor, Cassian instantly released Nesta from his embrace as if he was suddenly burned by her touch. He quickly distanced himself from her and clumsily got up off the bed, his sheets getting tangled in his legs. He nearly fell off the bed in his rush to stand up.

"I'll just...come back later," Mor replied before turning to leave, but not without a brief glare aimed at Nesta.

When Mor was out of sight, Nesta sat up and got off the bed. After tightening her robe around herself and tying it at her waist, she immediately strode toward the door. "Coming here was a mistake," she mumbled, not daring to glance back at Cassian.

"Nesta, wait!" Cassian called out to her, but she was already outside of the room.

She stormed into the living room and exited through the apartment door, slamming it behind her. She then headed straight for the flight of stairs that led to the ground floor.

Cassian burst through his apartment door and followed after her at a quick pace.

"Nesta, stop!" Cassian shouted as she reached the bottom step. Nesta didn't listen, instead choosing to go through the building door to the outside.

As she stepped through the doorway, she immediately felt raindrops fall upon her, and she couldn't help but let out a frustrated sigh at the weather. _Of course._

But she wasn't able to worry about getting wet - she simply had to deal with it. She surged forward, away from the apartment building, without a clue of how to get back to the townhouse, considering she had never bothered to walk around Velaris before. With her now-soaked nightgown clinging to her thighs, she ran along the pathway that led to the city's shopping area.

From behind her, she heard a door shut close, followed by footsteps pounding against the pavement. She attempted to will her body to go faster, but to no avail, as Cassian suddenly appeared beside her.

"Nesta, _stop_!"

"No!" she shouted back.

Cassian let out a grunt of annoyance before grabbing hold of her wrist, causing her to come to an abrupt stop.

With fire raging in her eyes, she glared at him."What do you want from me?!" she snarled.

"Listen to me. Give me a chance to explain!" he pleaded.

"You're the one who bolted away from me first! Why can't I do the same?!"

"Nesta, it's not -"

"Are you ashamed of me? Embarrassed to be seen with me?"

"No!" he quickly replied.

Nesta shook her head back and forth as she looked down at the ground. "You haven't come by the townhouse at all since that first night back. I should have realized that you don't want to see me, that you didn't mean those words about wishing you had more time...with me."

"Nesta, _listen to me!_ I meant those words!" he exclaimed.

"Well your actions this morning and the last few weeks haven't exactly proved that."

Cassian let out a sigh and ran his free hand through his now wet hair. "With Mor...we've been friends for so long. She's like a sister to me, and I think she's afraid of how our friendship will change if you and I…" he trailed off.

"Has she never had to deal with your relationships in the past?" Nesta asked disbelievingly.

"There's been no previous relationships. At least...none like this."

"You're over 500 years old!"

"All of my relationships have been brief...nothing serious. So now Mor sees you as a threat to our friendship, especially since..." Cassian abruptly stopped his sentence.

"Especially since what?" she demanded to know.

"Surely, you've felt it, Nesta? Like there's a tether between us, connecting us, pulling us toward each other," he said calmly and then took a deep breath. "I think we're m-"

"Don't you _dare_ say that word!" she heatedly interrupted him. "Don't try to tell me that what I feel is just some animalistic instinct. I am in control of my feelings and will not let some ridiculous bond dictate them."

"Of course you're in control! The bond only links you together and amplifies those feelings. Look at Elain! She's not going crazy over Lucien," he said angrily in reply, not able to keep calm whenever Nesta's fiery temper surfaces.

After a pause, Cassian continued. "So how exactly do _you_ feel, Nesta? Because you make it awfully hard to tell."

"I think the fact that I almost died with you makes it pretty clear how I feel," she grumbled as the rain fell harder upon them.

"I want to hear you _say_ it."

"Me?! What about you? You're the one who's making it hard to tell!"

"Are you ashamed to admit that I set your heart _aflame_ with desire?"

" _You_ are insufferable!"

"You're infuriating!"

"Only when you're being ridiculous!"

"Oh no, you're _always_ infuriating."

"Well, it's only because you're _always_ an arrogant bastard! Now let me go," she demanded as she tugged her arm out of his grasp, then turned away from him.

But Cassian was quick to grab her once more, spinning her around and pushing her up against the side of the building they were standing next to. While she glared at him, Cassian boldly placed his hands against the wall on either side of her to block her from leaving. He leaned his face closer to her, causing Nesta to feel his breath against her neck.

"Just admit that I'm the most attractive male you've ever feasted your eyes upon."

"But that would be a lie."

She saw what she figured must have been a flicker of jealousy appear in his eyes. She gave him a satisfied smile.

"Now, will you please let me go?" Nesta asked sternly, trying not to focus on his close proximity to her. "I need to go home and change into dry clothes." She regretted her words as soon as she said them, cursing herself for she knew an indecent comment was imminent.

"Well I can certainly help get you out of these clothes," he said slyly as he ran one of his hands up her arm. Then, he lightly touched the area of her collarbone where her robe rested against her skin, his fingers threatening to pull back the fabric.

"That...won't be necessary," she remarked unevenly, trying to fight back the chills that Cassian's touch was causing.

But Cassian seemed to know exactly what his touch was doing to her. Ever so slowly, he let his fingers curl beneath the edge of the robe, then pulled back her robe so it slid off her shoulder, never breaking contact between his fingers and her skin. Nesta's breath stilled as he then pushed back her drenched hair, making a point to brush his hand against her neck as he did so.

With her neck now exposed, he couldn't hold back from her any longer. He leaned his head forward and planted his lips against her neck. On instinct, Nesta turned her head away from him to grant him better access, while the rest of her body froze against the wall.

But it only lasted for a moment as Nesta came to her senses.

She shoved his body away from her, causing him to stumble back. Then she lifted her hand and slapped him across the face. Cassian groaned in pain and brought his hand up to his cheek to rub it.

"Cruel woman," Cassian mumbled as he looked down at her, staring into her blue-gray eyes.

"Presumptuous bastard," Nesta mumbled back, returning his intense gaze.

The two stood there with their eyes locked on each other. It was as if everything else happening around them had faded away, and they were the only ones in their own world.

Then Nesta swiftly reached her arm out to grab hold of the center of his sodden shirt and pulled him towards her, planting a firm, passionate kiss upon his lips.

Taken aback, Cassian's body stiffened at first. But once she captured him in a kiss, his body relaxed and he placed his hands against the sides of her face.

But once his hands made contact with her cheeks, Nesta shoved him back away from her once more, abruptly breaking their kiss.

Cassian gave her a look of annoyance.

"Will you make up your mind?" Cassian asked, exasperated by her actions.

"You still haven't explained yourself," Nesta said as she crossed her arms. "You're still a thick-witted brute. This changes nothing."

"But you've made it clear that I'm an _irresistible_ , thick-witted brute," he remarked with a roguish grin. "That changes everything."

Nesta wasn't having his silly, flirtatious comments right now. She needed to know now if she was just a pawn in a game he was playing before she fell in too deep.

But who was she kidding? She already knew she was in too deep.

"Am I just some game to you? Some potential conquest?" she asked sadly in a soft tone.

Her somber tone instantly wiped the grin off of Cassian's face.

Cassian slowly stepped forward, then gently grabbed one of her hands and encased it between both of his own. "Absolutely not," he said sincerely as he squeezed her hand.

"Then...where have you been? I thought you hadn't come by the townhouse or the House of Wind because you were just laying at home, letting your wings heal. But then, you weren't home when I arrived...and then Mor came over…"

"Nesta," he let out a deep breath. "I thought you needed time. At least that's what I told myself the first few days after we got back. But then I realized that...I was the one who needed time. To be near you would be...unbearable because I knew I wouldn't be able to take your pain away, especially when I'm the one who caused that pain by failing to protect you. And then the guilt of being alive, when so many of my men died...I've spent the past few weeks visiting the families of the Ilyrians who perished in the war, every day. That's why Mor came over this morning. She's been taking me to visit them all since my wings haven't healed yet."

"Oh," was all Nesta managed to say as she stared down at their hands.

"So don't ever think for a single moment that I don't love you," he said as he cupped her chin to force her to look at him and gaze straight in her eyes. "Because I honestly and hopelessly do."

Nesta's body froze at his words. After believing for so long to be an outsider in life, never in her wildest dreams did she even envision someone saying such words to her. "Well, forgive me if your bolting away from me like a foolish husband caught cheating with his mistress by his wife made that difficult to believe earlier today," she teasingly replied.

"I'm sorry. That was...extraordinarily stupid of me."

"Can't deny that."

"I'll talk to Mor," he replied. "I never want to let go of you again," he whispered as he moved his hand to cup her cheek. "I'll try to not be so stupid again."

"That's a lofty expectation to set for yourself. I think it's highly unlikely that you'll succeed."

Cassian brushed his thumb across her bottom lip. "I can think of better uses for your magnificent mouth than hurling insults," he said huskily.

Nesta's body trembled from his gentle touch. A blush crept over her face as she thought of the possible uses he could've been referring to. "Then kiss me now, you dolt," she whispered, craving the taste of him again.

Cassian eagerly leaned his head forward, but instead of planting his lips against hers, his lips went straight to her neck again. He began leaving a trail of long, slow kisses along her neck, eliciting a moan from Nesta as she closed her eyes.

Opening her eyes, she tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled his face up to hers so they were staring directly at each other once more.

"Cassian…" she said carefully before taking a deep breath. "I love you."

"I know," he responded cheekily. "Who couldn't love this face?" he said as he gestured to himself.

Nesta shook her head in annoyance, but then brought his face up to hers so her lips captured his in a fervent kiss.

Cassian deepened the kiss and caught her bottom lip between his teeth. After a moment, Nesta pulled her lips away to speak, while Cassian leaned his forehead against hers.

"Now _that_ was a proper kiss. Not like that first measly kiss you ever gave me," she mocked him.

"Well, I was a bit busy dying on the battlefield," he replied, his breath tickling her face.

"I have high standards."

"I know. And I intend to surpass them."

"I'm doubtful that you will."

Cassian scowled at her. "And here I thought I was being romantic by saying that. I'm going to make you pay for your insolent words, Nesta Archeron."

"Now _that_ , I have no doubt about," she said right before Cassian grabbed hold of her face and crashed his lips against hers.

* * *

 **A/N:** With this fic, I wanted Nesta to be the one going to Cassian...and I was kinda obsessed with the idea of her waiting for him in his bed, hah. So then this fic was born! Hope you liked it! :)


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